I don't Want to die afraid
by NeverSoSirius
Summary: The story of James Potter and the Marauders: it's a twist on James Potter's personal background. What if the arrogant Quidditch player had a very dark past, after all?
1. Prologue

**General Warnings:**

Please remember that this is my very first attempt in writing a story in english (since I'm italian). I will probably make some mistakes, but feel free to correct me, I'm also here to learn!

I don't own any of the characters you will read about, all the credits go to J.K. Rowling (bless her!).

There will be some blood and possibly mature contents, so if you are very sensitive, you may want to stop reading here.

It is a fanfiction about James Potter, the Marauders, Severus Snape and many others.

Who wants to guess which character can Four be?

Enjoy!

* * *

 **Prologue**

The stones were cold and damp.

It was not a new feeling for number Four: he really didn't remember being safe and warm even for a moment in his life. It was not a long life, although Four was just able to count his years on his fingers.

He was five, probably, or at least so he had heard during the last tests.

That day, the healers were standing right in front of him, testing his powers, watching him while he made various objects levitate without using a wand.

The healers were not usually kind and they were not even real healers. They didn't do any good, anyway. They just standed there, barking orders, avoiding touching the little boy and punishing him when he didn't act properly.

Sometimes, though, there was one short man with a trembling smile. He talked to Four, but the child quickly understood that he wasn't allowed to do so.

The last time, days ago (or maybe weeks, he really didn't know), the short man looked down on his papers (all healers had their hands full of papers and they were costantly writing down notes at every move Four made) and that trembling smile came up.

"Happy birthday, I guess, Four"

It was not so much of a birthday.

At the very end of the testing session, the skinny man had appeared. Four didn't like any of the healers, but he was scared to death by the skinny man.

He had looked at Four, who was shaking already in his chair where he was tied up, and asked for a regeneration test.

So one of the healers, the old one, the one that smells like cold stones, had approached the little child, ignoring his pleas and screams.

Four had watched the wand of the old one touching his arm and then one large chunk of skin and flesh was ripped off and it fell on the ground with a disgusting noise.

Four remembered that, more than pain, more than anything else.

The noise.

Regeneration had quickly kicked in and the bleeding was soon stopped as the tissues repaired themselves.

So, after this final test, while Four was still trembling with a cry that couldn't come out, the little one had approached and given him the news.

Five years old.

To Four, it was like eternity.

He hugged his pillow tight, trying to grasp the idea of time passing by, but it seemed just meaningless, there.

The darkness surrounded him already: the guards didn't allow him to stay up after dinner.

Every now and then Four heard one of the guards stopping in front of his door, trying to figure out if the child was asleep or not.

Four was too scared and the pain in the arm was too strong for letting him sleep, but he stayed silent and very, very still.

He remembered when, after a painful test, he had spent the night crying: the guards had punished him because he wouldn't fall asleep.

Rules are rules, they said.

This time, though, the guard kept walking and Four started to breath again.

His arm was itching, but it didn't bleed anymore, which was good, at least because he would be able to fall asleep, eventually.

And yet Four couldn't ignore the heavy feeling throbbing in his stomach.

That scaring, painful feeling that dried out his mouth every time he thought about his age.

Five years.

Tomorrow, the healers were going to come and to take him for other tests.

Time was pointless.

"I don't..." Four whispers.

He was learning to speak properly, but his vocabulary was very limited: he listened to the healers, grasping the few words they share in front of him.

"I don't wanna be alone."

And then, as the world was actually listening to him, a loud bang filled the air, like an explosion.

Four jumped on his feet, finding himself on the other side of the bed, eyes huge with horror.

But it wasn't the door, it wasn't the guard.

It took a while for him to notice, but on the wall, one foot from the ground, partially covered by his bed, a small hole has appeared.

Well, it looked more like it was created by a very strong force, as someone, a huge someone, had tried to damage the stone with a very heavy hammer.

It was an impossible task for a human, even a wizard, and yet there it was.

Four could almost feel the cold breeze tingling his skin, soothing the burning sensation on his arm.

He waited, expecting to hear the sound of footsteps approaching: the loud noise surely was enough to draw the attentions of the guards outside.

Four counted the seconds, at least until he could remember the correct numbers, but none came.

And then, like he had been struck with a sudden thought, the child left his pillow and crawled on the floor until his head was just in front of the hole.

A small wind blew against his skin and his bald head.

It wasn't big, but it was big enough to let Four trough: the child had the impression that it was meant to be like that.

For a second, he almost gave up: fear yelled at him that he had to go back to bed, but he couldn't listen.

All that he needed was a small push and he was out.


	2. Chapter 1 - At the Gate

**General Warnings:**

Thank you so much for following me and for your kind reviews!

I'll be updating this as soon as I can!

As usual, I don't own any of the characters you will read about, all the credits go to J.K. Rowling (bless her!).

There will be some blood and possibly mature contents, so if you are very sensitive, you may want to stop reading here.

It is a fanfiction about James Potter, the Marauders, Severus Snape and many others.

Any guess on Four?

* * *

 **Chapter One: At the Gate**

The wind welcomed him like with a cold embrace.

Four was shivering, his clothes way too light to protect him from the weather outside.

The night was clear, but it was autumn and the ground was freezing with the first burst of cold, the trees were slowly dying and the grass was black and thin.

Four didn't even know what autumn was, but he couldn't ignore the fact that his grey shirt and shorts weren't enough to keep him warm.

He didn't care, though: the outside was so much bigger that he could had ever dreamt, so much wilder than his little reality, inside the labs.

The sky seemed huge, infinite and beautiful, with just a little touch of fear in it.

Four couldn't stop looking at the lights, peering out of the dark blue.

And that silver disk! It was just there, sparkling and glowing, and it sent shivers down his spine, because everything seemed enlightened with a cold, almost alien light.

His feet were already ice-cold, but Four kept walking through the garden that surrounded the building.

He couldn't avoid looking back: he had to see his own world, that world that seemed huge and scary.

The labs on the outside looked like an ordinary white building, not impressive at all.

It was like traveling outside your own planet and then discover how little it was.

There was none in the garden: no healers, no guards.

It was just Four and the wind and the grass beneath his feet.

He took another step, fearing no more that someone could see him and catch him outside of his bed (worse, outside of his room!) and punish him for that.

He kept walking for a long time, hours maybe, with a feeling that he had never felt before, a feeling very much similar to happiness.

And then he saw it.

The fence, the huge barrier standing in front of him, running all around the garden, cutting the building and Four off the rest of the world.

His small fingers, trembling with the cold, touched the dark iron of the fence, but nothing moved.

Some years later he would think of this moment, finding odd that no magic alarm had gone off when his hand had touched the iron.

But Four was little then and the forest beyond the fence was all he could look at.

And then a voice cried out: "Oy! Are you really there?"

Four jumped and then he covered his head, waiting for the pain to strike, for someone to grab him or stupefy him.

Yet nothing came.

With great care, he opened his eyes again and there he was: right in front of him, but beyond the fence, a child.

For a moment, Four thought, with a fright, that he was looking at a weird mirror.

Then he looked better and he noticed that the boy's hair, even though it was black as Four's, looked softer and smoother than the wild mass that was on Four's head.

The child's eyes were black and big and his nose a little longer than Four's.

He wore warm clothes, with a soft, white robe that didn't seem quit right for a trip outside, though.

His feet were hidden in sturdy boots, which made him look even more weird.

For some reason, though, the view made Four smile.

"Are you real?" the other boy asked again.

It was an odd question, but Four felt compelled to answer anyway: with small movements, he nodded.

"Not a ghost, right? Swear you're not a ghost." the words became stronger, almost angry, like he was daring Four to lie to him.

Four didn't understand, but in some way, that sentence sounded like an insult "No ghost. I'm... real." he said, with some effort.

"Promise?" the boy sounded a little kinder, so Four nodded, with more enthusiasm.

Finally the thought started hitting him: there was someone outside the fence, someone in the outer world.

"Who are you?" the boy seemed to understand that Four was not very capable of speaking, so he pointed at him, with a clean, white finger, as if doing so could help Four in understanding the question better.

Actually, it was a simple question: Four had learned to associate a name with his identity.

"Four." he answered.

"Four? Four's not a name. Four is a number. My mum taught me." the boy looked a little skeptical, but Four was attracted by another word.

"Mum?"

"Yes, mum. You have a mum, right?"

Four didn't answer: the concept of mum was completely new to him, but the word had a nice sound.

"Are you stupid?" the boy asked with a curious look, without a single drop of malice in his eyes.

"I... I don't know." Four replied.

The boy seemed to consider his answer for a while, then he smiled, "I'm Severus. My mum calls me Sev, except when she's angry."

The idea sounded strange to Four, but Severus looked so proud and happy that he felt the urge to say "I like Severus."

"Right? Me too. I can find you a name, you know? A good name, like Severus." his smile widened.

Four nodded more, but Severus was looking away, troubled.

"I must go back. My mum gets angry if she finds out that I'm here. You live there?" he pointed at the building beside Four.

The child was scared of admitting that he lived in that dark, small place, feeling ashamed for a reason the couldn't even comprehend.

Yet he nodded, again.

"Cool! I'll be here tomorrow night. Meet me here?" Severus was glowing with hope and that was enough for filling Four with happiness again.

For a moment, he felt like he could blow up with joy.

"Yes. Meet here. Severus."

The boy was so happy that he didn't even notice Four's strange way of talking. He just waved him goodbye and he was off, running though the tall grass.

When Severus was gone, Four felt it: the joy was still there, holding to his chest, warming him up and giving him the courage of turning back.


	3. Chapter 2 - The Child and the Ghost

**General Warnings:**

Thank you so much for following me and for your kind reviews!

I'll be updating this as soon as I can!

As usual, I don't own any of the characters you will read about, all the credits go to J.K. Rowling (bless her!).

There will be some blood and possibly mature contents, so if you are very sensitive, you may want to stop reading here.

It is a fanfiction about James Potter, the Marauders, Severus Snape and many others.

Every review, comment or suggestion is welcomed here!

 **Chapter Two: The Child and the Ghost**

The day after that strange meeting, Four could only think about the child beyond the fence.

He didn't cry in front of the healers when they came to take him to the labs, he didn't tremble when the chains held him still against the chair, almost suffocating him.

He didn't complain for the pain or the cold or the hunger.

He spent what it felt hours trying to lift objects and crashing glasses and cans.

He did extremely well: there was something different in him, now, something that wasn't fear and that worked better than anger.

It was enthusiasm.

After the third broken glass, the healers had even complimented him and, for once, Four felt his lips responding, giving away a little and shy smile.

It was a good day.

The guards didn't beat him up either: one of them, the one that Four liked the least, slapped him on the face, hard, but by the time he had finished his dinner, the right side wasn't even pulsing anymore.

He waited for the guards to pass over his door, waited for the evening check-up and then he carefully crawled under the bed.

He had hidden the hole in the wall as well as he could, but it seemed that the bed was enough to hide it from the sight of outsiders.

He was out, in the garden, in less than a second, but it felt like he was already late.

What if Severus was waiting for him? What if he got tired of waiting and just decided to leave?

He knew it was dangerous, running without trying to hide himself, without being sure that there was none around, but his stomach was but a knot in his throat.

He almost bumped into the fence, which certainly wasn't so difficult to see, even in the dark, and finally stopped for fresh air.

His heart was still pounding like it was about to burst out of his chest when he heard him.

Severus was running towards the fence, a huge grin on his face, cheeks red with fear and excitement. He was holding a huge book, which was clearly slowing him down a bit.

When he was finally near Four he opened his mouth and then his eyes caught something on the other kid's face. His grin suddenly vanished.

"What happened to your face?" he asked, in a whispering, yet furious voice.

Four felt his eyes widening with shock, but when he tried to touch his right cheek he remembered the guard's slap. His face wasn't so swollen anymore and he could feel that the cut on his lips was healing, but even his regeneration couldn't do miracles, after all.

He didn't reply, not sure of the right answer, so Severus went on "Your father hits you too?"

Four frowned: the word father didn't sound as caring and loving as the word mum, and even remotely as easy, so whoever father was, he had to be a bad guy. Like the guards.

"Yes. It doesn't hurt so much." it wasn't a very long sentence, but Four was proud he had made it till the end.

Severus nodded and then, after a second, he started grinning again.

With what Four could only described as pride, he showed him the old book.

"It's full of pictures! Family pictures! My mum has a huge family." he started explaining, sitting on the field, grass covering his boots and his soft pajamas.

Four sit down too, stretching his neck in the effort to see some of these famous pictures.

"So I guess that you will find a name that you like, see? That's me and mum." he flipped the book, so that Four could see the pages.

Pictures: the boy had never seen something like that. They were amazing.

Four could only blink several times, while watching in a daze a very small boy (he had to be Severus) and the woman that was hugging and kissing him, smiling and waving.

They were beautiful.

"Aaand... there is my grandpa. Fergus. You like it? Fergus." he flipped the page and an old man appeared. He was frowning, as he was angry for something, and his picture sent chills down Four's spine.

He vigorously shook his head and Severus tried to hide a small laugh "Yeah... I don't like him either. Don't tell mum. Cross on your heart" he warned.

Four couldn't be able to talk to anyone's mum, but he agreed anyway and, in a goofy gesture, made a cross on his chest.

"Ok. Grandma won't do. Here, look. My uncles Benedict and Thomas. They're nice... I think. I just don't see them very often."

Four was tempted by Thomas, but, for some reason, he couldn't fight the silly thought that having a name of a guy Severus didn't see very often was really bad luck.

So he shook his head, again, this time fearing that doing so could annoy the boy.

But Severus was already focused on another family member.

"Ok, ok. Maybe this. James Romulus? It was my grand-grandpa. Maybe just Romulus? Or James? I like the sound of James." he smiled, hope in his eyes.

Four knew it then: "James. I like it too."

He didn't like the picture of Mr James Romolus Prince though: he looked like and old turtle with dark eyes and a very long nose.

He touched his own nose and frowned, "Do I look like him?" he asked, a little concerned.

Severus laughed and then suddenly went serious, "Not really. You have... like huge hair. And your nose is all short and funny."

That seemed a positive description, so the boy didn't argue with it. His hair were periodically shaved by the healers either as a punishment or as healthy reason, but it had been months since the last cut.

As for his nose, he really didn't know: it didn't seem long as Severus's, but, without a mirror, it was hard to tell something more.

"I'll tell you what. Tomorrow evening I'll bring you my mum's mirror. She doesn't use it anyway. And then we could play!" he sounded enthusiastic about that, so James smiled.

"Can you come here? You know... pass the fence?" Severus looked confused now, like he had discovered in that precise moment that the fence could be an obstacle.

"I..." James looked at the fence, he followed its iron lines disappear behind the building and the trees, "I can't. I think."

"Have you ever tried?"

James didn't reply because he had no answer for that question: he hadn't tried, that was indeed the truth, but did he want to try?

A part of him was terrified just because he was there, in the dark, outside: the guards and the healers would have punished him if they knew about it.

Still, another part was amazed at the possibility, "No. But I can try. We can try, if... if you want."

Suddenly, having Severus by his side felt important: he could do it with him, even the terrified part agreed on that.

"Great! So tomorrow, operation fence! We will win!" he raised both of his arms and James felt compelled to do the same.

They laughed, silently, and then went on talking until it was time for Severus to go home.

As James watched the other boy disappear from his sight, beyond the tall grass, he felt the urge of smiling and he didn't stopped until he arrived to his bedroom.

"We will win." he murmured and he was off in seconds.


	4. Chapter 3 - Just a Wall

**General Warnings:**

Sorry for the delay! I know, I'm very late.

But, on the bright side, this chapter is longer than the others.

Please keep me updated with your reviews and opinions!

As usual, I don't own any of the characters you will read about, all the credits go to J.K. Rowling (bless her!).

There will be some blood and possibly mature contents, so if you are very sensitive, you may want to stop reading here.

 **Chapter Three: Just a Wall**

Nights were starting to grow colder as autumn was fading away, leaving the place for winter and the snow.

The garden all around the building was almost sparkling white and silent, reflecting the light of the moon like a brand new blanket.

James didn't mind the cold, even though he wasn't properly dressed for the outside.

His clothes had indeed became heavier, but he still was supposed to stay indoors, not to wander off in the garden, near the fence.

"This side! This side is good!" Severus whispered, running softly, side by side with James, with only the fence to divide them.

The two boys were quite a sight: Severus looked like a lost child, pale and curious, while James looked like a strange creature, with a warm tone to his skin and shiny eyes.

"Do you think there is a hole?" James stretched his neck to look at his friend, who was scanning the ground like he was looking for a treasure.

"My mum says that there is always a weak spot. Nothing's perfect." Severus proudly quoted what he thought was a sentence of infinite wisdom and James couldn't fight a smile.

"Ok. We just have to find it." his language was improving, too.

He had spent many nights with Severus, learning, listening and talking about things he had never considered important.

Like toys. Or candies, or ice creams.

James didn't even know what toys were, so Severus brought him a little train and a teddy bear.

They definitely were the most beautiful things that James had ever seen.

Sometimes, they even talked about bad things, like the bruises on Severus's arms or the wounds on James's face and hands.

Severus learned that his friend was an orphan, even thought they both barely grasped the concept, and he became certain that he had to escape from his jailers.

James, on the other hand, had understood that Severus had a cruel father, even though he still didn't know what a father was, and he wanted to help his only friend to find a better place to live.

"I don't want to leave my mum." Severus had said once, while they were busy examining one particular spot of the fence.

"Bring her too. We could run away all together."

The idea sounded even too good to be true, but they both clung to it, like it was their lifesaver.

Yet, they couldn't find an opening in that horrible fence: it was created with magic, James could feel it, but even magic couldn't be so perfect.

After all, magic was performed by human beings.

That night, they were searching near the back of the building, far from the walls that scared James so much and well hidden by the trees and the tall grass.

"I like it here." Severus said, his head against the fence, resting, his eyes closed.

James had noticed already that the boy was growing tired as the nights passed.

The bags under his eyes were becoming darker and sometimes they had to stop in order to allow Severus a little rest.

James didn't feel tired, but he was used to sleepless, less pleasant nights.

"It's okay. Are you feeling cold?" the amber eyes analyze the other boy with great care. He didn't want him to get sick, or he wouldn't be able to see him for a long time.

It was selfish, but selfish was all he had.

"No. I put on an extra sweater. I wish I could have brought one for you too..." Severus opened his eyes to look at him, guiltily.

"No need. I am not cold." it was a lie, but James didn't feel guilty for saying that. He didn't want to see Severus in trouble and taking other clothes from his house could get him into big, horrid troubles.

Plus, it was true that he couldn't get ill for the cold.

His hands were searching the ground near the fence, just to see if there were any dips near the fence, maybe made by animals.

It felt almost like the magic in the fence scared the animals away: even James was not so comfortable around it and he would probably had avoided go near if it wasn't for Severus.

"Maybe... maybe you could just climb it." Severus whispered, frowning.

The other looked at him, then at the fence, then he took two steps back, grabbed a little stone and threw it over the fence.

The stone flew high and then it smashed against thin air, like there was an invisible wall or something.

"It's like..." Severus frowned again, trying to remember the name of the spell.

His mum, after all, was good with charms and protection spells.

"It's a shield. Barrier is better, I think." James was thinking. He was only five, but he could think properly and even use his brain.

"Ok. Ok! Sev, Listen!" he raised his voice, just to wake his friend up a bit.

"W-what?"

"We can do this! We really can!" a huge grin started spreading on his face.

Suddenly, the fatigue was not a problem anymore for Severus, "Really? How?"

"We find a weak spot." James said again.

"But..."

"No, Sev, can't you see? Not in the fence. In the wall!"

Severus looked at his friend, a huge question point painted on his face.

"The wall, Sev. It's made of magic. You know, with a spell or a charm. Just that. No fence, no ground, just the magic."

"But... but it looks... strong."

Severus actually was scared by it: he had never witnessed spells or charms of that extent or strength.

James went suddenly serious, "Can you promise you won't be mad at me?"

Severus knew that question very well: he used to ask the same with his mother, every time he knew he had made a mistake.

"I won't be mad."

James scanned the other boy's eyes for a moment and then stretched out his hand: from the tips of his fingers, red whirls started to form.

Severus gasped, but he didn't move: that red thing looked lighter than water and heavier than air and it flouted from James's hand, moving gracefully.

"I can do magic. Without the wand. It can be... pretty strong." his voice was small, almost terrified.

Severus looked at his hand, then up, and when he met his eyes, the boy smiled, "Can you break the wall?"

James's smile became even wider "I think I can. I fell I can."

"Then I trust you. We're friends."

Later, in the years, James would have thought of this moment as one of the most beautiful moments in his entire life.

Right there, he could only blush, "And then we will run away. With your mum."

"Yeah. Together." Severus hid a yawn, but he couldn't help feeling tired again.

"Go back home. Go to bed." James said and then he bit his lips "Will you come back tomorrow?"

It was an unfair question, of course: his friend could use a whole night of sleep, but the idea of not seeing him terrified James.

"Of course I will. I am not a jellybean!" and with that, he waved him goodnight and started running towards the field.

And just like that, James spent the rest of the night wandering how a person could possibly be confused with a jellybean.


End file.
